~ Friendship ~

This concept has been difficult for me my entire life. My entire childhood, teenage years, and into most of my now adulthood I have constantly lost myself. I have constantly tried so hard to be accepted by people that I am willing to put my own happiness aside. I was always willing to change the things that I believed in and the things that I felt most strongly about. My opinions on so many things, including the most important things in my life. I don't know when it happened or why I allowed it to happen but somewhere along the way I became so entirely lost I didn't even know who I was. I didn't know what it was that made me happy or even the type of person I wanted to be.

I don't know if that is something we ever truly learn in this world. Who we are entirely, I mean it is constantly changing. Our dreams, our aspirations, what we truly want in the world. But, some fundamentals should always stay the same. Our values, the things we feel most passionate about. For example, for me I have always had a strong sense that in this world everyone is different, we can't expect everyone to be the same. And we don't need to hate other people for being different. We need to find a common ground and learn how to respect other peoples cultures, customs and beliefs. It has always been something I felt strongly about that is something I will always feel strongly about.

But, what I really want to ponder is this idea of friendship. I think for so many years i've just always tried to be what other people wanted me to be. So no one in my life has ever gotten to know the real me. Heck, I don't even know who the real me is half the time. I'm getting closer to that now though and I know what I want out of my life. Not what others what for me but what I truly want. And it is a comforting feeling. But, what to make of theses friendships, friendships that were perhaps made on a superficial level?

I have people in my life I truly care about, some people I have always considered my best friends. But, it seems like some of them couldn't care less about that friendship. I have always been willing to give and give to people. Anytime they needed me I would be there for them. And I know being a friend isn't just what you get out of a friendship and you should never expect anything from a person. But, when you feel like you are making 100% of the effort just to be continously dissapointed when do you just begin to give up? When do you just let go and cut the ties?

And then there is the above quote, "Never lose yourself while trying to hold onto someone who doesn't care about losing you." It is so true, there is such a large part of me that feels as if this person could care less if I walked out of their life. It's like the I have choosen to live no longer fits neatly into the person they wanted me to be. They seem bored in my presence and it makes a person feel really crappy. So when do you let it go? When do you say enough is enough?

That is where I am right now and it is extremely difficult having these feelings. Because I care deeply for the person. And for such a long time I have tried to fit into their lifestyle. And now, I am no longer doing that. I am happy with the lifestyle I have and I just feel like this person and I are drifting further and further apart. It's just difficult to deal with.

So on that note, I am heading to bed I am tried and have to work out in the morning!!! Good night all <3