Why do girls like bad guys? This is a question that has been asked by so many different people and has received a lot of different answers and opinions. I was pondering this question after going to dinner and a movie with a friend of mine and her current boyfriend. As I was sitting there enjoying my dinner and company of some good friends I was astonished by her boyfriends attitude. I just kept thinking to myself "Is he really saying that?" And finally asked the question to my husband "how can she stay with him? He treats her like crap and is a complete a**hole!"
This got me thinking this week, why do girls like these bad guys? You know the type I'm talking about. We've all had our own personal experience with this type of guy. Full of himself, doesn't care who he offends or what other people think of him, emotionally unavailable and always keeping you just within arms reach. He makes you feel completely unsure of yourself and your entire relationship. But, he gives you "just enough" to hang on to see what could happen. These are the types of guys who can break your heart over and over again, let you down time and time again, and yet as woman we continue to not only go back to this type of man but to also find more just like him.
There is the saying "nice guys finish last." But, why is that? So many times talking with my girlfriends I hear them say, "why can't I just find a nice guy?" Now, when you hear "nice guy" you get another image into your head. The one who calls just to say he misses you, he holds open the care door, he holds your hand, he is willing to give you anything you want. Sounds almost perfect right? The kind of guy every girl wishes she could find, and yet when she does find him it's just not enough. What's missing? Why do we push this fantastic guy away? That is the question I've been dwelling on this week.
I look at my own experiences and decisions in life when it comes to relationships. I dated plenty of "bad guys." The ones who let me down, treated me like dirt, but I continued to go back to time and time again. I had a few of those situations in life and one in particular that stands out. This guy was the epitome of "emotionally unavailable." He kept me just within arms reach, just close enough so when he wanted me I was there, but far enough away that when he was sick of me he could push me aside. But, time and time again I went back to this same person. Even though I knew he would never change. What was it about that relationship?
Part of me thinks it was the chase. And at times I felt I wasn't good enough to deserve someone who would treat me right. I had extremely low self-esteem and self worth. This fed into the relationship. It fed into the illusion that I didn't deserve anyone else.
On the complete opposite end of that I had another relationship at a younger age. He was the "nice guy." He was the one I was always 'just friends' with. He was a sweetheart, always listening to my rants about how 'so and so' hurt me that week. He listened, was sensitive and sweet. At one point I decided to give this person a chance. But, there wasn't enough drama, he gave me too much and was honest about his feelings for me. Completely different from the other person. So, I eventually gave this guy up and in the process lost one of my best friends.
I honestly believe much of this is attributed to drama. I wrote a previous post on this topic. How we feed off drama, how we can not live without some sort of drama in our life. With the 'bad guy' we always have drama. We are constantly in a conflict unsure of where we stand in the relationship. With the good guy though, there isn't anything to stress over, therefore leaving us with no drama. We don't know how to handle these situations so then we begin to create drama. We begin causing problems in the relationship to have something to complain about. Something to stress over. This eventually will lead to the end of a perfectly healthy relationship. So why do we do it?
I've found some interesting facts on the subject. These 'bad guys' exhibit traits that many woman find attractive including confidence, humor and good social skills. This guy is up for anything and always willing to try new adventures and bring you along for the ride. It's exciting and intriguing and along the way you know 'this guys isn't good for me' but you continue with the relationship.
I read that woman like challenges, they like to think they can "fix" this man and turn him into everything that she dreams he should be. She accepts this challenge and throughout the relationship thinks "I'll be the one who can help him settle down and work through all of his commitment issues." But, along the way they just get strung along, consistently being let down and disappointed when plans are broken and she is continuously put second to everyone else.
This is a lesson we must all learn. You can not "fix" this man. This man isn't ready to settle down. He isn't ready to have that kind of a relationship. If he was he wouldn't continue to hurt you. It's not to say that this man intentionally wants to hurt us. I don't think his intentions when joining the relationship is to break your heart and drag it through the ground. I think that our expectations are too high in these relationships. We meet this man and think "he could be the one." Instead of being realistic and honest with ourselves. We need to start knowing our own self-worth and know that this is not what we deserve that we deserve better than what he has to give.
At some point along the way I was able to do this. I was finally able to meet the 'nice guy' who was right for me. He treated me with respect, he was open and honest, and willing to give me anything. He opened my car door, he surprised me with flowers, he called to say he loved me and to tell me good night. He told me when he missed me, he told me exactly how he felt on a daily basis. This man eventually became my husband.
At first I wasn't going to give him the time of day, I was going to pass up the opportunity to spend time with him. And I'm so thankful I didn't pass that up. He is a great man who I both love and respect. He has shown me that I'm better than I ever thought I could be. So many of my friends say "I wish I could find a guy like your husband." I know how lucky I am to be with a man like this. And I'm so glad I gave him a chance and didn't just toss him aside.
To all the single ladies, I just want to say, respect yourself enough to know that these 'bad guys' aren't worth your time. They may seem like a fun time. Something exciting and new. But, in the end they will only leave you feeling worse about yourself. They will leave you heartbroken and asking the question "why can't I just find a nice guy."
To end this I'd just like to thank my husband for showing me what a loving and respectful relationship is like. For never making me have to guess his feelings and for loving me despite all my faults. You are an amazing man <3
